I am so arrogant that I oversee my own to judge others on
theirs. There was a guy I know (not because we are friends, but purely because
of how small Franciscan is) and his girlfriend sitting behind me in mass today.
Well, he is a guy who, in my own opinion, knows he can sing and so sings, what
seems to me (and here is my judgment and oversight of my own arrogance), way
louder than anyone else to hear himself sing. I also was bothered by the fact
that he was giving his girlfriend a massage in mass (honestly, though, that can
wait) and they were talking the whole time. And so as I tried my hardest to
avoid irritation from the situation and leave it up to him and God, I couldn’t
help but judge him. Once mass was over, which by the end I had just barely
stolen away about half of the time to actually contemplate the sacrifice of
Christ and pay attention, I had to figure out how I could avoid those
judgments. It comes down to the fact that I AM EXACTLY THE SAME. My
shortcomings became so apparent. I love the sound of my own voice (at least on
a good day), and I will belt a little bit louder than the guy next to me or
behind me so I can hear my own voice (which I seem to think is better) over
his. I am the same. I also talk during mass. Maybe not about massages, but I so
often have no other choice (ha-ha) then to mention that someone is wearing
something funny or a child is adorable (ok, they are, but it can wait). Where
is my focus? I am the one compromising it usually. Or even on a silent level, I
daydream. My mind wanders so easily. Why do I have the right to blame so-and-so
for distracting me in mass, or having some fault that I notice in them?
Now this is not just a mass time thing; I am arrogant and
self-righteous so often and so often do I overlook it in myself and place
judgments on others. Another example: Someone joked with me that I should date
their sister, and me being a creep (it is so easy with facebook) I searched her
on facebook. I saw a picture of her with a cigarette, and although I do not
hate smoking I do not smoke myself and I am not the biggest fan of others
smoking, and so I was a lot more prone to think ok no she is not my type. She
also was very fashionable and so my mind immediately thought “she is probably
high maintenance.” Maybe she is! Maybe she isn’t! Who cares? I don’t know,
because I tell myself I don’t. I tell myself that I don’t judge, that I love
everyone and give each his equal chance. I wish it were true. But I guess what I
learn from these moments in my life is that I am not perfect (Eh. I am
re-evaluating this as I write this, ha) and I have not just a few places in my life
to work on, but many. I need to build my temple for the Lord, and the best way
to do that is to daily be working on virtue. Yes, I am weak. Yes, I need God. Yes,
“I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.” But He doesn’t give me
virtue – He gives me the graces to grow in virtue if I am willing to give Him
that time to grow. He will make perfect my weaknesses; I cannot do that.
So here is to seeing our own faults. Here is to my own
arrogance, and to the foresight to see it is a weakness I have and now that I have
something to pray for the graces to improve in my life there and to grow in
humility. Praise God for common sense. Praise God for His mercy and grace!
