Over
the past two weeks or so, I feel as if my purpose in life has been stuck in the
mud. I am not okay with where I am, and I truly, deep down want to change and
keep moving towards becoming the best version of myself, and to one day be a
saint. I want to give God my whole life, to do something incredible, but not
for my own credit but for His glory. How easy it is to say! How seemingly fluid
it seemed to be going over the past two years, too. Yes, I had (and apparently
have) my ups and my downs, but they were very beneficial and usually easy
enough to pinpoint. But over these past two weeks, it has been so very
difficult to even become motivated to move.
At
the beginning of this break I had time to become refreshed and renewed. The
past semester had worn me thin. But the busyness also kept me out of trouble.
And by the grace of God, the first week of break was similar in terms of that
busyness, but not to the extent where I was completely drained, as I had been
the previous months during the semester. And I had thought I was on the cusp of
something big – on the brink of fullness; of a final freedom from the bondage
that Satan held over my soul. And he was doing so with this sin that kept
creeping back, sin that was my last gap between allowing Christ to rule my life
instead of allowing myself to do so.
This
sin is a sin I have always been told is okay because I desire to avoid it, I
desire to be done with it, but I am a young man and that is part of being human
and being the age I am. To this I say yes and no. I agree and I disagree. I want
to call bull on this concept partially because I think it gives a false sense
of urgency to men my age. An urgency that is not present, that it is okay if
you are still committing some sin because of your age and gender, and God will
pull you out in good time. It especially gives myself this false sense of
urgency; and I will not say it has led me to sin, because that is not fair to
myself or the priests who have given me this advice, but it has presented a
challenge to my conscience and to my very actions because I easily excuse
myself from blame by saying things in my mind like, “I am a young man, and it
is just something I cannot control” and other such stupid thoughts. Bull. Why?
Doesn’t society love to tell us we are just products of our environments and we
cannot change things about ourselves? They do, and that is why it upsets me
that: 1. I am told I am just a young man and purity is something I cannot control
(as well as others can, ex: young women), and 2. I haven’t changed much.
But
can we take a minute and look at the saints? Actually, hold off – let’s look at
non-saints first, but are people our society glorifies because of their
achievements. I want to look at the hundreds, if not thousands of people who we
love to hear about, those who have “beaten the odds” or have “made a name for
themselves”. Why do we love these people so much, or at least their “success”
stories? We love them because it inspires us and shows us that it is possible to break a mold. We love
them because unlike us, they didn’t like their situation or the stigma to what
they were, so they chose to become what they wanted to be. Now why can’t we all
do that? If these ordinary people did it, why can’t we also?
I
think it starts with the fact that we are not encouraged enough to do so. And
not just encouraged to do so, but on the flip side we are not reprimanded for
our lethargy. We are not scrutinized for being who we are and not trying to be
who we want to be. I am not saying to yell at the fat kid to lose weight
because he should. I am not saying tell people they aren’t good enough or just
telling them they straight up suck. I am saying we need to tell kids they can
be more, can be better, and can be different. We need to encourage kids to get
up and act, and when they choose not to, we need to try and let them see what
they are missing out on.
One
big problem in our society I see today is that prejudice is not just this
judgment we have of other races, ideals, ethnicities, etc. but that it has
become a problem with who we are together as people. Differences are being
looked down upon instead of praised. Great athletes are praised for their
abilities but are mocked for their beliefs, because as a certain race they
should believe this or do this. Give me a break! These people already broke the
mold, why try to bottle them up more? It is just a jealousy of the rest of
society that they are not different enough, are not who they want to be, so why
should this guy have everything? One prime example I noticed while watching
ESPN the other day: Robert Griffin III, a rookie quarterback for the Washington
Redskins, has had an excellent season and has been praised for his athletic
ability. But some black ESPN analyst a week or two ago made some pretty
bottling comments about RGIII because of who he should be, because he is an
African-American. This guy had the nerve to rip on RGIII because RGIII recently
had an interview saying he didn’t want to be part of a mold, that he was his
own man and he had certain beliefs and really that he just wanted to be seen as
a human being and not have to follow some “code” because of his race. Isn’t
that what ending slavery was about? Doesn’t African-American society praise
Martin Luther King for the same thoughts? But in our culture today, we have
been stuck in this place where blacks and whites, although both free, are
separate cultures – very little mixing occurs, and when it does it is because “someone
betrayed their own”. And this is not just a wall that has been drawn up by
whites, in fact I think it has been equally drawn up by blacks. So RGIII
finally comes out and says, screw this, I want everyone to know I am a human
being first and foremost, and I want to be a human being with all of you;
black, white, red, brown, whatever! And then here comes a black man, the first
to call RGIII out for not being black, and first to basically say, dude, you
are trying to stand on the top of the wall but there is not room up there to
stand – jump to one side or the other. RGIII has made a no-mans land, and he
wants it to be everybodys land (I want it to be everybodys land).
But
the reason I brought this all up is that as a society we have been told we must
be the way we are and there is no changing that. If we do change something, it
can only be so extreme. Obviously RGIII realizes he will forever have black
skin, but he wants us all to realize that we have been so stupid to not see
past that for so long. We have been so stupid to not called each other on and
encourage each other to break the molds that have been placed on us. I know I
am stuck in the mud today partially because of this. I know that I don’t do
certain things (and I say certain things) because of my race, my body type, my
looks, my religion, etc. when God has called us to be the greatest versions of
ourselves so that we may serve Him to the fullest!
So
today my biggest problem is this lethargy, this deactivated moment of my very
self, of the man I want to be. How can I change that? How can I get back to a
daily finding of myself, a daily seeking of a better moment, of the best
decision each moment, so that one day I will be completely His? How can I be
motivated to not be okay with who I am or where I am? What do I need to just
keep becoming who I need to be?!
What
I need, is people who also do not want to be stuck where they are, people who
do not want to be the same as they were yesterday. I need people around me who
are willing to make changes in their life and live not for themselves, but for
others. I need to not be alone in my idea. Please join me, but only if you are
up for the challenge.
