Do
you ever have those times where your prayer is very dry, not as frequent as you
would like, or even you have just fallen into some old bad habit; and although
there are frequently other times where your prayer is on fire and you seem to
have huge growth in your relationship with God, it just seems darn near
impossible to become a saint due to the bad times? It’s like this: often, you
do everything right and aim everything at becoming a saint, but then there are
those times that you fail in this or just struggle with it you think you have
to begin the trek back up the mountain all over again.
Well,
maybe I am alone. But today I began to think about this a lot as I was reading
and meditating on a section of the book, "I Believe in Love", which
is a personal retreat based on the teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux. The
section is titled Abandonment to Jesus. What
hit me right off the bat, and which I constantly try to set my focus on in
prayer and then in my daily life, is what Jesus says in scripture (John 15:5)
about how without him we can do nothing. And then St. Paul confirms this in a
positive address of this abandonment when he writes in his letter to the
Philippians, "With you, Jesus, I can do all things." (4:13) This has
not only been my desire for the past
5 years of my life, but I have slowly witnessed this transformation occur
within my disposition and the truest desire of my heart and soul. Yet, when I
had times of dryness in prayer or fell into one bad habit or another and my
"rhythm" was thrown off, I felt like I went back to square one. To me
it seemed as if I had to begin again in my journey of giving my entire self to
Him. What a scary thought! I don't think I ever ended up giving in and assuming
it hopeless, but it definitely was extremely daunting. I figured that if I died
during those times, or right as I tried to claw my way back out of the hole I
seemed to find myself in, that although I may still reach heaven, my desire for
sainthood was safe to say out of the question.
All
of these thoughts are a hoax laid out by our humanity; we see life like a task,
and so we can find ourselves restarting the task when we mess up. Here is
where I will enter into the thing we often overlook -- and make sure this sinks
in -- salvation is not dependent on us!
It is a slap in the face of your Creator to say that He cannot work through the
darkness and shine forth His light. It is the arrogance of man to see himself
as so important that he can achieve his own sanctity. Christ sanctifies us! He
sanctified us through His death on the cross, and if we go to mass, He
sanctifies us every day with His body and blood! St. Augustine said in the Summa that the Eucharist transforms our
souls into Jesus through love.
Here
we can look at this determination for sanctity in a more appropriate light: So
when I receive Jesus, do I not become
Him? If I go to mass every day and receive Him in the Eucharist, am I not
becoming Christ? But wouldn't you say that sometimes you do not feel like
Christ? What about the times you fall into sin? Are you not disconnected from
Him? It just seems as if some days I am so miserably a sinner that I must have
fallen from where I was in Christ's love, and most especially in expressing
Christ's love. Let us think more about this! Even through all of this, each
day, do we not see things more than ever as He does? Of course! Do you want to
serve Him more today than you did yesterday? I am sure you do.
Our
issue is that we have mistaken sensible fervor for sanctity. There is a great
difference! Sanctity is the disposition of the soul that has life based on
graces given to us, as well as from virtues that are infused as gifts from the
Holy Spirit. Sensible fervor? That varies. It is on the same level as a
feeling. Can we determine our love for others or God's love for us based on the
way we feel that day? Of course not! Yes, what we do matters; but our Creator
knows of our human frivolities and He looks much more at what we are, His
beloved children (and that our souls desire Him), than at the things we do for
Him.
So,
what does your heart want? Even better, what does your soul want? Mine wants Christ.
And so each Communion is used by Christ to grow the seed within our soul. We
become more of Christ each time we receive Him in the Eucharist.
This
still leaves the question of why we fall back into sinful habits or even just
fall away from a stable prayer life. If I am becoming more like Christ every
time I receive Him, why have I not become extremely holy? Why do I feel like I
have to restart every time I am not "at the highest of heights" in my
journey to sainthood? This is because "we bid Him come, but we do not
permit Him to enter." (pg. 83 IBiL) We tell Him with our mouths to enter
our house and then He enters souls to make them like Him; but we close the door
to our hearts and do not let Him actually take over. (I can only think of the
song "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood right now, which is
unfortunate, because I do not actually like country music)
Abandon
yourself to Jesus. I am sure that He is so much more present in you than your
humanity would admit. You can love so much more than you think you are capable
of because you are trying to love with your love instead of with His love. His
love is so much stronger. I pray that each day I am able to see that, even if I
have a bad day, even if I am not feeling it 100%, Christ is still present
within me and I still can give Him myself and He will love even when I feel
like I cannot. Our relationships are not based on feelings. If they are, then
they will falter so quickly.
